November 10, 2010

My Plan Worked!!

Well, you know how much I like to dig.
I just decided I would dig my way out of
the luxurious headquarters, er... jail and so I did.

It took me quite a while but I finally ended up here.

Unfortunately, I have no idea where HERE is!
Can you help me figure out where I am?

CLUES CLUES CLUES
One of the peoples told me that I had
'maid' a 'Bunch' of wrong turns while I was digging.
I told him I got confused because it was still Fall
back where I was headed!

Do YOU know where I am?

Oh, and the bra???

November 9, 2010

First I need a
butternut squash...

One of the Hello Kitty Armed Guards
(Well, she's got arms.
And those eyes that would strike fear
in even the strongest of men!)

My plan is slowly coming into focus.
I only need to find a few more things:
• A 6 inch butternut squash
• 2 dollars in Canadian coins
• A ladies' brassiere size 42 D
and
• An Icelandic passport under the name of
AMLÓÐI HÁVARÐUR

I'm off to put my plan into action.
See you tomorrow,
I HOPE!!

November 8, 2010

HELP!!!!

It appears that the Sanrio company has arrested me and put me in 'Hello Kitty' prison. Something about appropriating trademarks or copyrights or some such. It's so scary! Everyone here is so happy and efficient! Even the guards are polite! And the food... they only feed us like 6 times a day, and it's stuff like fresh fish and Kobe steak. How am I supposed to eat when I only have 4 different types of cheese to choose from at each meal? I've only gained like 5 pounds since I've been here! That's like practically starving!

And the beatings. Sure, they call it a massage, but then they put these hot stones on you and you go to sleep and you don't know how long you've been asleep and it's very disorienting.

I think I have an escape plan, but I need your help.

Oh and all that stuff yesterday about everyone owing me $18 bajillion dollars, you know I was kidding. Right? I mean, us being good friends and all.

I have to go now. The pool is about to open... I mean, they are taking me to the water chamber of death!!

November 7, 2010

Hello friends.
This is your lucky lucky day.
It seems that SO many of you wanted the
deluxe edition Goodbye Jack Mercedes:

that the factory decided they would,
just for one time only,
make a bunch of them.

So, now all of you who left
a comment yesterday
saying how much they would like one,
can now get one.

For only $18 bajillion dollars.
(Plus shipping and handling)

So, send all your monies to me.

If you have changed your mind,
you have to send me money anyway.

November 6, 2010

It's the
Semi-Annual Labor Day
Once-in-a-Lifetime
Holiday Thanksgiving
Clearance Sale
here at
The Goodbye Puppy Store!

Come shop for bargains like these:

Goodbye Puppy Lunch Box

complete with
Goodbye Puppy Thermos and
Kooky Kanine Krunchy Kookie Keeper

Goodbye Puppy t-shirt
(or if you're really short,
Goodbye Puppy Dress)
Neck Included!

Goodbye Puppy Dinnerwear
Never eat off the floor again
(unless you want to!)

Goodbye Puppy Bedroom Ensemble
Now you can see Goodbye Puppies
everywhere you look!
Every time you wake up,
you'll see nothing but
Goodbye Puppies!
Puppies, puppies,
everywhere,
millions of puppies!

And for those with
more discriminating tastes
(that means lots and lots of money!)

The amazingly chic
Goodbye Puppy handbag.
You can use it to carry all your
hamburger home from the grocery store!

The Personalized Goodbye Puppy Mercedes
(If you buy it, you have to give me a ride in it!)

And for our most exclusive customers:

The Goodbye Puppy Bone
This bone will be delivered to you
in the personalized Mercedes shown above
AND
will be pre-chewed by none other than
Goodbye Puppy himself!

You can also shop at my PETSY store!

So hurry in today.
Supplies are limited.
As a matter of fact,
supplies are so limited,
you are already too late.
Everything has already been bought.

November 5, 2010

Huh??

Someone pointed out yesterday that my completely 100% original copyright pending image "Goodbye Puppy":

looks an awful lot like this character named, if you can believe it, "Hello Kitty":

I just don't see it.

For one thing, mine is a DOG, not a kitty.

And secondly, mine is saying GOODBYE, not HELLO. It's not even the same thing. You would look awfully strange if you came into a room and said GOODBYE, now wouldn't you?

And, thirdmost, look at my eyes. Now look at the two black dots on the second picture. I ask you, does that look the same? No!

Now maybe if it looked like this:

I could see a little tiny bit of a resemblance.

Besides, I've already started making the "Goodbye Puppy" diapers/vacuum cleaner bags!

November 4, 2010

Goodbye Puppy!!

I just thought of this great new thing.
It's called "Goodbye Puppy".
I don't know how I thought of it,
it just came into my head.
It is completely 100% entirely original
and is not based on any other
copyrighted animal-based character
and I don't even know how to use the Internets.

I can see it now,
all the clothes, lunchboxes, shoes, cartoons.

So order your 'Goodbye Puppy' stuff TODAY!!

I'm gonna make a fortune!

November 3, 2010

You're not going to eat
ALL of that are you???

The old 'head on the knee' is my favorite trick
to get something when the tall guy is eating.

Works EVERY time!!

But then again,
he goes and does this:


What kind of person would walk off and leave
an almost full plate of food
right under the nose
on my head?

He's PURE EVIL I tell you!!

And yes, he is eating at the computer table.
He does play on the Internets
while he's eating,
unless The Amazing Race is on.

November 2, 2010

OK, what's next?

Well yesterday was a very exciting day!
Let's see:

• Went to the dog store and got a new Wubba - Check
• Played with Wubba for about 2 minutes - Check
• Got Wubba taken away from me for trying to chew off the top - Check
• Listened to the "I'm not going to buy you any new toys if you keep destroying them in the first 5 minutes after you get them because I'm not made out of money" speech (again) - Check

• Went to the dog park - Check
• Had a 3 way tug contest with 2 other dogs - Check
• Splashed water on the lady sitting at the table near the water dishes - Check
• Pretended to be tired on the drive home so I could be ready when the kids came to take away all of MY candy - Check

• Had an early dinner in anticipation of the night's events - Check
• Got to bark every time someone came to the door for candy - Check
(Note: The tall guy said to emphasize the 'EVERY'. And to put an 'INCESSANTLY' after the word 'bark'.)
• Got a treat to try to keep me from barking every time someone came to the door - Check
• Didn't really stop me from barking - Check
• Scared one little boy when I barked after he came to the door - Check
• Watched a two foot tall Spiderman jump about 2 feet off the ground (see above) - Check

• Looked for candy that the kids had dropped when we went on our first walk this morning - Check
• Found 1 orange Tootsie Roll - Check
• Had to drop the orange Tootsie Roll - Check

Wow, I did a lot!

And I'm ready for more!

November 1, 2010

Well, I wish someone had told me!!

We did not have no tricks-or-treaters come by the house
on Saturday night and you know why?

BECAUSE IT WAS NOT NO HALLOWEENS!!!

Halloweens was on Sunday night this year.
Well no one even told me.
So that was why I didn't get any candy.

Unfortunately, we had a LOT of
tricks-or-treaters come by last night
(including a few that I think were like 35 years old!)
and they et all the candies!

And you know what,
not one puppy came to our house.
I told the tall guy that if I had gone
out for tricks-or-treats,
I could have cleaned up and I would
have shared all my loot with him!

So here is what he gave me at the end of the night:

That's right.
Circus Peanuts.

Which, by the way, are neither circus-y or peanut-y.
As a matter of fact, the only '-y' they are is
NAST-Y!
But it's ok.
I made sure that I gave some back to him.
In his shoes.
After they had been chewed on a bit.

October 31, 2010

A Sad Halloweeny Poem
by Jack

I did not get no tricks or treats.
I am a real sad pup.
I did not get no candy corn.
Or peanut butter cups.

I did not get no Hershey bars,
or M&Ms or Crunch.
I did not get no gummy bears,
Or nothing else to munch.

No Tootsie Rolls, no Milky Way,
Not even bubble gum,
No Skittles, Sweet Tarts, Snickers bars,
I only wanted one!

So if tonight you chance to see,
A puppy at your door,
Make sure you give him something sweet,
Or something off your floor.

I guess I've learned my lesson,
And I have learned it well,
Next year, on Halloweeny night,
The tall guy can go to...


COSTCO and buy some candy just for me!

PS - If your peoples are really really old, they can go here:
http://www.oldtimecandy.com/
and find candy like they ate when they were growing up. It's not the SAME candy. Cause then it would be like 200 years old!

October 30, 2010

Now this is just getting silly!

Look, someone has turned me into a CATS. Not a cat, which might at least be bearable if I was like Madi or Oz, but no, they have turned me into a CATS.

Does this mean I have to go on tour?

It's not even one of the CATS who gets to dance and jump around. It's the CATS who sits down when he sings.

And to top it off, I can't even find the mini-Jack to try to make all of this stop.

October 29, 2010

OH MY DOGNESS!!!

Look at what happened to me!
I think I have been voodooed
and

October 28, 2010

OH NOES!!!!

Remember that toy that I found
yesterday that looks like me?

I thought it was pretty cool,
but then someone told me that it
might be
THE VOODOOS!!!

I don't even know what the voodoos is,
but it sure sounds scary enough to me.

They said that someone might
be trying to put the hex on me.
They might be trying
to scare the BEEJEEBERS
out of me.

I hope not.
I need my BEEJEEBERS.
I haven't used them yet,
but I might in the future!

So if you know anything
about the voodoos,
or how to make sure
I keep my BEEJEEBERS,
please let me know!!

October 27, 2010

I am FAMOUS!!

Look at what we found out on our walk this morning.


That's right. It's a mini-me!!
When you wag its tail, it moves its head.

Here's the mini-me and maxi-me:

So, if you would like your very own toy, just come with us on our walk. Maybe we'll find a mini-you!!

Oh, we also found a broken beer bottle, but that wasn't nearly as exciting.

October 26, 2010

From the Master of
HORROR!!!!

The tall guy seemed to think this was funny.
So maybe it's a horr-omedy.

I think I'll put HIS mattress on his head tonight :)

PS - You know I don't sleep in that thing right?
That's like a bed for a DOG!

October 25, 2010

For Your Consideration...

The tall guy got some new software and he said I could mess around with it. Unfortunately, he didn't show me how to get to all the videos on his computer, so I had to use one that you've already seen before. (So no, we did not get to go back to play in the water.)

What?

Oh, he said to tell you that it is the new version of iMovie that let's you make movie trailers from your video. He said to tell you that if I can do it, anyone can do it!

Hmmm, I might have to wake him up at 4AM tomorrow to see how he's sleeping!

October 24, 2010

I am a stick connoisseur!!

MMMMM, delicious. Woody with a hint of bark!

Nah.... this one is a little 'bit'ter.
(Someone already chewed on it. So it's BIT-ter, get it? :)

Well, I think this one is a little too big even for me!

Happy Sunday!

October 23, 2010

HURRAH!!!

Well, it appears that a lot of us will not have to wait until October 31st to decide where we want to sleep!! Many of you evidently already get to sleep with your peoples in their beds and even get to sleep on the couch whenever you like.

But, there are still some of our puppren and kittren who do NOT get to sleep anywhere they like. Some of them are locked in JAIL (crate-training my Aunt Patootie) and some of them even have to sleep on the FLOOR! (It's one thing to sleep on the floor when you WANT to, but it's just wrong that your peoples have a big old almost empty comfortable pillow-top California King mattress and they still want you to sleep on the floor.)

So for those less fortunate ones, I've created this SAYDWP card which can be used any time you want. If your peoples come home and catch you on the bed, just hand them this card. They have to let you stay there because IT IS AN OFFICIAL CARD (see, it says official right on it!). If they want to sit on the couch while you're taking a nap, well what can they do? You have an OFFICIAL CARD! (Unless they offer you a treat, like a cookie. But then you have to make up your own mind. It might be an OFFICIAL CARD, but you're not gonna turn down a cookie are you?)

So, tonight, when your peoples are asleep on THEIR HUGE $45000 CALIFORNIA KING PILLOW TOP MATTRESS, print out this card and cut it out with the scissors.
If you're not allowed to use the scissors, then just bite off the parts that you don't need.

And HAPPY SLEEPING!!

PS - If you already get to sleep wherever you want, you may want to print out the card and use it on these occasions: when you want to lie in the kitchen near the stove while your peoples are cooking, or when you want to go ride in the car and your peoples are trying to get to work and you're making them late, daggumit, or when you're enjoying a nice nap in the sun outside and your peoples want you to come in because it's time for their teevee show and if you don't come in now, you can just stay outside until the cows come home and you decide to stay outside and watch the cows, uh, come home. Cause you really like cows.

October 22, 2010

A PLAN,
you say??

I think that October 31st, that's right, HOWL-O-WEEN, should now be declared
SLEEP ANYWHERE YOU DARN WELL PLEASE DAY!

That's right, you want to sleep on the bed, then jump up there and sleep until you can't sleep no more! If your peoples are in there too, that's even better! They can make room.

You want to sleep on the good couch. What? It's very 'spensive leather and you'll get it dirty? It's SAYDWP Day!!! Go sprawl!

You want to sleep on the OTHER couch too? Go ahead. You have my permission! After all, it is SAYDWP Day!

If your peoples ask you what you're doing, tell them you got scared because of all the monsters that came to the door. And if they say those weren't really monsters, tell them that if they don't let you sleep wherever you darn well please, you might just have to tell someone that you know who it was that ate all the full-sized Reece's Cups which were supposed to be handed out to all the kids, but now they just got the little boxes of raisins!!

So remember, October 31st is now SAYDWP Day. Sleep anywhere you darn well please!!

October 21, 2010

Our D I V O R C E
became final today.

Me and little T A L L G U Y
will be going away...

Can you tell that the tall guy
has been listening to sad country music this week?
And no, no one is getting divorced.
It's just a song! :)

Actually he said he is feeling much better,
but for some reason, he gets a little upset
when I sleep next to him
and start running in my sleep.
Something about waking him up
because it feels like 200 horses are
jumping on the bed
and then it takes him 3 hours to get back to sleep
and blah blah blah,
I just stop listening when he gets like this.

So then I tried to sleep with my back next to his,
and then he gets upset because he can't move
and I'm on top of the covers
and his side gets sore and he's hot
because evidently I might be a tad warm
when I'm laying on top of him.

He said that some dogs do not even get to sleep
with their peoples and that some dogs
aren't even allowed to get on the BED!
Well, I think we need to change that.

So I have a plan...

October 20, 2010

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill,

He sounds too blue to fly.
The midnight train is whining low,
I`m so lonesome I could cry.

This song just makes me sad.
And I don't even know what it means!


PS - I'm not really sad. I'm just looking at something over yonder! :)

October 19, 2010

Well I never felt more like singing the blues,

Cause I never thought that I'd ever lose your love dear,
Why'd you do me this way?
Well I never felt more like crying all night
Cause everything's wrong and nothing ain't right
Without you.
You got me singing the blues.

- - Jack Williams

BOL
Not really.

I was just chewing on my new bone thing.
One of my two-a-versary presents!
PS - the tall guy said to tell you it lasted more than 5 minutes too!

October 18, 2010

Hey Do You Know What Today Is?
I'll give you a hint:

Yep, it's my two-a-versary!
Two years ago today, I got to come home
to live with the tall guy!

Wow, I was some kind of cute back then!

Hey, I had forgotten about my blanket.
That was my favorite blanket,
because it smelled like my mom.
I wonder where the tall guy put that?

That was also the night I had
something called
'splosive diarrhea'.
We had to get up like every 30 minutes
so I could go erupt from my back end.
That was SO COOL!!!
I looked like one of those chocolate fountains
you see at weddings.
(You can think of me from now on
when you see one of those things!)

So, this is the 730th time
I've wrote on the blog
(one time for every day since I've been here!)
The tall guy says that's a lot.
Well, to be honest,
the tall guy helped me a little when I started.
I wonder if I will get any presents?
(I wrote that just in case the tall guy is reading this.
Sometimes, I think he forgets!)

So happy two to me and the tall guy.
I think I'll keep him!

October 17, 2010

Today is
GO SPLORIN DAY!

We tried to go to the local park yesterday but it was filled with like 80 million children. It looked like all the children were playing with the soccer balls, so the tall guy said we couldn't go there because some of the children don't like it when I try to play ball with them.

So, we drove just a little bit more and what did we find?

Yep, we found a new park that I had never been to before. It was great and there weren't even no children at all there. As a matter of fact, there wasn't even nobody there, except for me and the tall guy. But there were lots and lots of new smells to smell. I could tell there were some dogs that had been there that I had not smelled before, so it was like I had found a new wine store! (Maison d'Labrador 2008)

So, today you should go splorin near your house and see if you can find a new place you haven't been to before. And if you find somewhere new, make sure you remember how you got there, because you want to go there again sometime and your peoples might not have brought their DPS (Dog-al Positioning System) with them!

October 16, 2010

IT"S THE DRF!!
(Dog Rasslin' Federation)

Sometimes us boys just have to go a bit crazy and get all of our energy out. The tall guy says it's something called BEEFARONI. (TG: I think he means TESTOSTERONI ....er.....TESTOSTERONE). Usually the girl dogs don't play so hard. I don't think that girls have beefaronis, I think they have the spaghetti-os.

Then again, maybe I'm just craving some Italian food.

October 15, 2010

Hey, Tall Guy!
Do you even SEE
what is happening here?

I am being eat alive and you just stand there taking pictures!
Do they have to pull off one of my legs
before you do anything?

No, I am kidding.
We were just playing.

This is my favorite kind of playing,
where you lay on the ground and roll around.
Especially in the shade.

Playing in the cool shade
keeps everyone from getting exhurted.
And there's nothing worse than having
a hot, panting exhurted dog stuck in the car
on a long ride home!