It appears that the Sanrio company has arrested me and put me in 'Hello Kitty' prison. Something about appropriating trademarks or copyrights or some such. It's so scary! Everyone here is so happy and efficient! Even the guards are polite! And the food... they only feed us like 6 times a day, and it's stuff like fresh fish and Kobe steak. How am I supposed to eat when I only have 4 different types of cheese to choose from at each meal? I've only gained like 5 pounds since I've been here! That's like practically starving!
And the beatings. Sure, they call it a massage, but then they put these hot stones on you and you go to sleep and you don't know how long you've been asleep and it's very disorienting.
I think I have an escape plan, but I need your help.
Oh and all that stuff yesterday about everyone owing me $18 bajillion dollars, you know I was kidding. Right? I mean, us being good friends and all.
I have to go now. The pool is about to open... I mean, they are taking me to the water chamber of death!!