December 24, 2010

How NOT to take
your Christmas Pictures
by Jack

I know that a lot of your peoples will take a bunch of pictures of you tomorrow because they get all excited when you tear up papers and boxes and throw stuff around because it is Christmas.

Sure, try it any other day of the year and see what you get! Nothing but heartache and grief!! And no cookies!! Especially if you do it because they left you at home while they went to get hamburgers and Pepsies, and didn't even bring you back a pickle or anything and then they find it when they come home and then scream when they walk into the bedroom and find the papers all over.

But, since they seem to enjoy watching you do it one day each year, make the best of it. Make a big mess. Put your head down in the box and get it stuck. They especially love this one. When they give you a toy, act like it's the best toy you have ever seen. But, when they give you a bag full of something to eat, say thank you and move on, because they are going to take that food away from you about as quick as they can and put it up in the cabinet where you MIGHT get to see it when they are looking for a glass for their chocolate milk. But I digress. We're talking about pictures.

First of all, none of this:

Nobody needs to see that. Even if yours DOES look like a heart. (Well, maybe it's ok if it looks like a heart!!)

Next, look at how you are sitting:

Do you think your friends on Facebook want to see you all splayed out like that?

Next, don't move when they are taking your picture. Don't move ANYTHING:

Just look at that. It looks like I got the Vibrating Teeths!!

And lastly, but most importantly, do not be eating no lemons before they take your picture because then your mouth will do this:

and I don't care how cute you are, you will not get on no Animal Planet teevee show with half of your lips sucked into your head!

So, there you have it. A few tips from your friend Jack. Now go to bed. It's almost Christmas.

PS: And remember to comb your hair when you wake up. You don't want to end up with the bedhead in all your pictures.

December 23, 2010

A Package??
For ME?????

I was just laying around, minding my own business, when the tall guy walked into the room.
"You've got a package!", he said.

"For ME? Now who would send a package to little old pea-pickin' me?"


"Has this been approved by the TSA?", I asked.
"You know how sneaky some peoples can be!"

Well, the tall guy told me that it was ok, so I started to open it.

But then he took it away and opened it with the scissor sisters, because he said he didn't know what was in it and he said it would be nice to open at least ONE package in his lifetime before I totally destroyed the stuff inside!

So, I stuck my nose down in it and smelled a wonderful remember!!! These were the treats I used to get when we went to school. I got a LOT of them when we were there, mainly to shut me up.

You may be wondering about the messy address on the front of the package. I'm pretty sure the person who sent it can write better than that, but since I don't know how to write, maybe that's how peoples have to put down your name to make sure you get the package!

Treat Boy!!

And who was so nice to send me stuff? Well if you can't tell from the letter, it was from Zack, Sassy and Buddy (and I have a feeling Ms. ~K was in on it too!) over at Dog Daze. Now wasn't that extra-special nice!!! I was so happy, I decided to send them some telepathic cookies just to say

December 22, 2010

My Letter to Santa*

* I kinda borrowed some of the words from a letter I found in the drawer next to where the tall guy sleeps.

December 21, 2010

All I Want...

All I want for Christmas this year is underwears and socks.

At least that's what I'm told that I'll be getting, since I've kinda destroyed so many of them that might belong to someone else!

So if you see a dog outside wandering around in his drawers with 4 holey socks on after Saturday - make sure you say 'Hello'. That's probably me.

December 20, 2010

Names

You probably can't tell from the picture,
but NONE of these presents has my name on it.

OH NO!!!

DOES THIS MEAN???????

December 19, 2010

Hey, there's something fishy here!!

You know how they tell you that you have to be good and everything because Santa the Claus is coming next week to bring you toys and stuffs. Well, if that's the case....

HOW COME THERE'S ALREADY
A BUNCH OF PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE?

I mean, who brought those?
Aliens?
Magical Christmas Elves?
Puddles???

I'm gonna have to do some snoopying!

December 18, 2010

My Annual
'Christmas Expression of Joy!!'

Me, before we went to the vet

Well, it's that time again.
Time for the Annual Christmas 'Expression of Joy'.
(This happened about a year ago, if I recall!)

Evidently, my drain pipes got clogged up again,
so I had to go see the doctor
and get it taken care of.

I will never look at a Rotor-Rooter commercial
on tv again the same way!

Actually, it's not too bad.
It only took about a minute and I got to say hello
to all of the nice people at the doctor's office.
They asked the tall guy if he wanted to stay in the room
while I was...
uh, how can I put this gently,
while I was doing my interpretive dance
but he said, no thank you.
But he brought them some cookies afterward.
I think that's the LEAST they deserved!

It looks like this may become an annual event.
I'll see if we can get video next time!

December 17, 2010

Why I Am Not Allowed
To Have No Bones
by Jack

I am not allowed to have no bones because they tend to break into pieces when I chew on them. And then the tall guy gets worried that I will swallow the pieces and have to go to the doctor and have to be de-boned!

December 16, 2010

An Early Christmas

Christmas has come early this year.
Look what I got.

Yep, that's right. A honkin' big disgusting bone!
I don't get a lot of bones as the tall guy
thinks I will break them and THEN try to eat them.

Yeah, I see you looking at my bone.
Don't make me have to slap you!

I think I have some gristle caught in my teeths.
Do you have any floss?

And now,
a bone haiku:

Look at my big bone.
It is so meaty and good.
I shall chew it all.

ICHIBONE!!

December 15, 2010

It's A-MAYZIE-ING!!

Boy did I rack up. Mayzie got my name in Jazzi's present exchange and I got a huge box. I just knew it was going to be some good stuffs inside!

Here I am being ever so gentle and trying to open the package. Unfortunately, the tall guy thinks that scissors work better on packages, so he decided to open it himself. Note to me: Remind tall guy that is it illegal to open other people's mail!

I thought I would pull a Madi and see if I could fit into the box.
Note to me: I can not fit into a box.

As I surmised, there was all sorts of stuff in there: balls, and foods, and cookies and even this thing:

Unfortunately, I'm more of an Autumn, so the pink ears had to go.

The tall guy thought it was quite funny when I was trying to get into the box to get all the stuff out. He didn't think it was so funny when I threw the box at him and hit him on the head. Wait, maybe I just imagined that part.

You can tell I was going for the cookie!!

So thank you Mayzie for my wonderful surprise.
You are one very thoughtful pup!
Everything was so good, maybe the tall guy will get the hint
when he goes shopping for my Christmas presentS.
Note to tall guy: Please note the 'S' on the end there.
Thank you!

December 14, 2010

Someone has stole my face!

Can you believe this? I got a Christmas card in the mail and I opened it up and what did I see? Someone has stole my face and put it on a Christmas card and is making a fortune. Even the tall guy said it looked like me. He thought the person who had sent the card took a picture of me and made it into a Christmas card, but nope. This was a very expensive store-bought card!! I bet it must have cost at least $800.00!

So, be on the lookout for someone who is going around and stealing the faces of all the good looking puppies and putting them on Christmas cards. I'm pretty sure that stealing your face is a crime (punishable by no less than 40 years hard labor and a fine of no less than $14,000,000.00).

December 13, 2010

PREPARED TO BE BEDAZZLED!!!

Watch as the tall guy FLOATS across the floor while we play tug-of-war with a decidedly unhappy Mr. Rabbit!

How does he do it?

You will be amazed!

You will be astounded!!

You won't believe your eyes!!!

You will be bored if I keep going on, so I'll stop...

December 12, 2010

Diggin' with Dakota!

No not diggin' IN Dakota.
That would be a long ways away.
This is my friend named Dakota.
She is a Khyra dog.
We were digging together out at the park.
Not for anything.
We were just digging.
That's the way we hang.

But wait!!!
Do you want to see something cool.
Look at her eyeballs!!

That's right!
She has 3 eyes.
No wait. I'm just kidding.
She's got 2 colors.
Isn't that cool?
I wonder if they change color
like the lights on the Christmas tree.

December 11, 2010

Toys by Jacques!

The Amazing Rabbit with No Face!!

I think the rabbit with no face will be a hit with all your children this Christmas season. Plus I'll throw in all the stuffing that used to be inside at NO EXTRA CHARGE!!

Order yours today! Supplies are limited to one (because the tall guy says I ain't getting no more rabbits to tear off their faces).

So this is sorta kinda like a one-of-a-kind. Just think, in 100 years your grandchildren could take it to the Antiques Roadshow and it could be worth bajillions of dollars (or they could be one of the people who comes on at the end of the show when the credits are rolling. Who knows??).

December 10, 2010

Awwwwww!
Look at the sweet puppy!
He's cuddling with
Mr. Rabbit.
That must be the nicest,
most sweetest puppy ever
in the whole wide world.
Yes, indeedy!
I bet he is the bestest dog
who always listens
and does everything the tall guy
tells him to do.

Think this will fool Santa*?

* Dear Santa: Please do not notice that Mr. Rabbit no longer has no eyeballs.
Or face.
Or stuffing.
Or squeakers*.
Thank you.
Your friend,
Jack




Note from the tall guy:
Jack did not get a chance to eat the squeakers.
Once he de-faced (LOL)
the bunny,
I removed the squeakers so that he couldn't get to them.
I think I read about that on Ms. ~K's blog
because I had never thought about it before,
but now I do!

December 9, 2010

It's time for
The Annual Eating* of the
Christmas Toothbrush!

And how was I supposed to know that you shouldn't chew up the toothbrush? I mean they put this good tasting stuff on it and then they put it in your mouth and rub it all over your teeth? How was I supposed to know that it was sitting out on the counter to dry and that I wasn't supposed to sneak up on the counter and get it and take it outside and chew it into a bunch of pieces while the tall guy was watching the teevees. So, it's really HIS fault.

*PS - I didn't really EAT it. I just sorta divided it into pieces with my teeth.

PPS - Do you think Santa works under the 3 strike policy?

PPPS - I'm not really sad in the picture above. I'm just about to fall asleep.

December 8, 2010

It's time for
The Annual Decorating
of the Christmas Mantle!

Please note: We are not allowed to have no stocking hung by the chimney with care, or even a stocking hung by the chimney with haphazard because someone thinks that I might decide that the aforementioned stocking could possibly be a Class 4 fire hazard and need to be unhung from said chimney when someone is not at home. Especially if there is any good stuff in it!

However, we do have this:
The tall guy says that it is supposed to be me, but come on. I think you know my feelings on hats! My guess is that it's just something he has had for a while and just stuck up on the mantle so all the green stuff wouldn't fall off! However, if it makes him feel better to think that I think it's supposed to be me, I guess I can go along with it for a while!

And don't even ask me about the candles that turn on by themselves. Those things are just scary!

December 7, 2010

It's time for

The ANNUAL PUTTING UP
OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

The tall guy said I could help him put up the Christmas tree this year. I am so excited.

Here I am making checking out one of the ornaments to go onto the tree to make sure that it does not contain any non-Christmas-sy smells. The tall guy wouldn't let me put any of the ornaments ON the actual tree itself, but he said I was being a big help!


Here I am guarding the Christmas tree to make sure that no unauthorized ornaments are place upon the tree. The tall guy said that I wasn't in the way very much when I did this, but that I was still helping!

Here I am making sure that all the ornaments are being placed in exactly the right position on the tree. Since the tall guy is so tall, I had to constantly remind him that he needed to put some down toward the bottom of the tree so that I could see them too. He said that my never-ending CONSTANT REMINDERS were a really big help and didn't cause him to get 'aspirated' even one time! As a matter of fact, I was being so helpful when he was trying to put the stuff on the tree, he decided I could be more helpful a little farther away, so I could use my trained eye to better see where the ornaments should go.

So here I am helping from farther away. The tall guy said it would give me more perspective, but to remember that he could not have done it without me in the way... er.... without my help and that I really really helped and that he would have to remember how much I helped when he was taking DOWN the tree and that maybe he would wait until I was taking a nap or something so that I would be rested when he needed my help then!

You may have noticed that I am behind the fence. The tall guy said that being behind the fence would give me a better reference point from which to judge the aesthetics of the tree and would be a REALLY BIG HELP!!

December 6, 2010

It's time for
The ANNUAL EATING OF
THE CHRISTMAS HAT!

Yes, dear friends, it's once again time for the Annual Eating of the Christmas Hat.

What? You've never heard of the Annual Eating of the Christmas Hat tradition? You mean your peoples don't make you put on the fuzzy red hat? What are they thinking? Have they been doing some early dipping into the egg nog?

Every year since I've been born, the tall guy tries to make me wear this silly red hat with the white ball on it. And every year, I have to remind him that I do not like to wear the silly red hat with the white ball on it. And every year he ignores me.

I try to make funny faces when he takes the pictures so that none of them will be usable, but he just plops that darned hat down on my head like my opinion doesn't matter.

So, this year I'm starting a new tradition. (That may be why you haven't heard of it yet!) It's the ANNUAL EATING OF THE CHRISTMAS HAT. I figure if I get enough holes in the fuzzy red hat, eventually the tall guy won't be able to use it any more because there won't be any red fuzz left.

Won't you join me in this new holiday tradition? It doesn't have to be a hat. It can be reindeer antlers, bows, festive collars or any thing which they try to get you to wear so they can put your picture on their Christmas cards to send to Aunt Mabel or Uncle Farnum.

So take a stand, take a bite, take a hike or take a bus, but remember, NO MORE FUZZY RED HATS!!*

*(Unless, of course, you LIKE wearing hats.)

December 5, 2010

Excuse me...

but I think your tongue is on my eyeball.

December 4, 2010

Ice Ice Baby

Well what do we have here?

(A very special thanks to
WYATT
for sharing this website with everyone!)

December 3, 2010

How To Play Frisbees*

It seems there is some confusion about how to play Frisbees. Some dogs seem to think that you let your person throw it and then you run and try to catch it and bring it back to them to let them throw it again. Well, you can play that game if you want to, but I think you'll like mine better.

First, you let the person throw the Frisbee, and you can run and get it if you want to, or you can just saunter over and pick it up. Whatever mood hits you. Then you go somewhere in the shade and plop down. It's better if you plop, because then your person will understand that you are tired of running after a piece of plastic and that you need some 'you' time for a while.

After you've found a good place to plop, you can start eating the outside of the Frisbee. Don't swallow it, because, as everyone knows, Frisbees do not have no nutritional value. But, chewing will help prevent harmful plaque from forming on your teeths and give you fresh Frisbees breath! And you can keep chewing until your person gets over to you and tries to take the Frisbees away! Now isn't that more fun than running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

So there you have it. Fun with Frisbees. See you at the park!

* Yes, I know I did a post about a Frisbees a while back, but this is a new post. Just forget you even read the old one - if you even DID read it that is!

December 2, 2010

A Fella Can Dream Can't He?

I see snow up on top of the mountains, and I remember how great it was last time we went up there, but the tall guy seems to have forgotten how much I enjoy playing in the snow.

So I snuck in this picture from the last time we went, hoping that maybe it will remind him that we need to go to the snow. I'll let you know if it works!

December 1, 2010

OH MY DOG!!!!
Have you seen this??

The tall guy was flipping through the channels on the teevees last night (as usual, I don't think he watches more than 5 seconds of any program), when all of a sudden THIS came on! I could not believe what my eyeballs were looking at.

First of all, there is this little dog and he has this girl who insists on dragging him around everywhere she goes and let me tell you, that little dog is not happy!

First of all, he gets to go ride on a bicycle and then the little girl makes him come home and he don't get to ride on the bicycle no more. And then she makes him go to where all these little kids are screaming and jumping around and he almost gets stepped on like 200 times. And then she makes him go walking like 80 miles and did not even have no water or cookies for him the whole time. I bet she didn't even bring no poopy bags!

Well, I made the tall guy turn the channel after that. I think the movie was called 'The Wizard of Dog' or something like that, but I will tell you one thing. I'm not gonna watch THAT movie no more!