Wednesday, February 29, 2012

March 1, 2012

Stop it,
I'm gonna wet my pants!

Here are the entries for the 
Downton Abbey Best Joke I Ever Heard In My Entire Life 

Using the voting booth to your right, 
please vote for your favorite joke!

Voting will be open until Saturday, March 3
at midnight (Eastern time). 

Winner will be announced when the tall guy decides 
to get out of bed on Sunday.
Please vote for ONE of the following:

#1.  Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this?"

#2.  A skeleton walks into the bar and asks for a pint of beer and a mop.

#3.  Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!
His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"

#4.  "What is the difference between a labradork and a mailbox?"
"Huh? You don't know? No wonder you never get any mail."

#5.  Persian: what is a lightbulb
Somali: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a burned out lightbulb.
Norwegian Forest Cat: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to date, too
Cornish Rex: Hey guys, I've found the switch
Sphynx (hairless): Turn it back on again I'm cold
Exotic: Let the AOV(any other variety) do it. You can feed me while he's busy
Maine Coon:(Labrador of the feline world) Oh Me me. Pleeease let me change the bulb. Can I, hug, Can I?

ANSWER: Lightbulb never gets changed. Cats are too busy discussing the chore.

#6.  Why are Dalmatians terrible at hide and seek? They are always spotted!

#7.  Q. Why did the Siamese twins move to London?
A: The other one wanted to drive.

#8.  What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall??  DAM!!

#9.  Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a
flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!' 

#10.  What happened when the butcher fell backwards into the meat grinder?? He got a litte behind in his work!!!

#11.  There's these three dogs sitting at a bar, a Chihuahua golden retriever, and a shepherd.

A girl dog walks in, and said "The person who can use liver and cheese in a sentence I will marry."

The golden retriever goes first. "I don't like liver and cheese."

"Not clever enough."

Then the shepherd goes next. "I like liver and cheese."

"Not clever enough."

Now the Chihuahua, "Liver her alone cheese mine!"

#12.  So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

#13.  Why do Polish dogs have flat faces?????

They chase parked cars.

#14.  A burgler breaks into a house. He's creeping around in the dark and he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you" ... he looks around & doesn't see anyone, so he continues to rob the house.

Again he hears "Jesus is watching you". He flips on a light switch and sees a parrot on a perch. "Did you say that?" he asks the parrot.

"Yes, I'm Moses" the bird replies.

The burgler scoffs and says "Who in the world would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The parrot starts to laugh, and replies "The same people that named their Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

#15.  How can you prove that a dog is truly a man's best friend?

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

#16.  I've been diagnosed as a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac because I lie awake and night wondering if there's a dog.

#17.  A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

#18.  I don't like tea, tea is for mugs.

#19.  Q: What do you a call a boomerang that doesn't return like it is supposed to?


Monday, February 27, 2012

February 27, 2012

Today is a SPECIAL day!

One year ago today, the first copy of my book
Jack:  A book about a dog 
where the dog doesn't die at the end
was sold on Amazon.
It is still for sale and has been doing really well!

So, the tall guy said I could have a contest.

Here's what I'm giving away:

Someone is gonna win all this loot:
Season 1 DVD Downton Abbey
Season 2 DVD Downton Abbey
The World of Downton Abbey Hardcover Book
The Official Soundtrack CD

If you haven't watched Downton Abbey,
you missed a really good show.
There was even a story about a DOG.

So, how do you win?
Send 4 cookies to me and...
I can't ask for cookies?
The tall guy says I can't ask for cookies.
How about pie?
No pie either.

OK, here's what you have to do.

Since everyone likes to laugh,
leave your BEST joke in the comments below.
I'll have the tall guy collect all the jokes
that are submitted by Wednesday
and then we can all vote on
which one is your favorite.

If you don't want the prize,
leave a joke anyway! :)


Friday, February 24, 2012

February 24, 2012

It's Coming!!!

Aren't you excited?

What's coming?
I can't tell you.
You'll just have to come back 
on Monday to find out!

And before you ask,
no, I am not getting a little brother or sister 
or a big brother or sister
or even a same-sized brother or sister.
Just come back on
February 27th and you'll see!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

February 22, 2012

I'm it!

Well, I had another trip to the Roto-rooter guy
this morning to have an espresso.
Or something like that.
But it always feels much better when I get done!

But on to more pleasant matters...
I got tagged by Benny and Lily

 who always make me laugh,
so I'm going to answer some questions about

1.  Describe yourself in seven words.
No Jack, you have already had dinner.

2.  What keeps you up at night?
Nothing.  I'm a sleeping fool at night!
Even snore-zilla doesn't wake me up.
Although I do get up to go outside to pee.
(Am I allowed to say pee here?)

3.  Who would you like to be?
I'm pretty happy just being me.

4.  What are you wearing?
I'm nekit.  Always.
Except for sometimes my collar.

5.  What scares you?
Banana Pudding.
Nothing really scares me.
I even like the noise from the vacuum cleaner.

6.  The best and worst of blogging
Best is getting to read about all 
the other wonderful dogs in all the wonderful places
around the world.
Worst is when someone gets sick.
It always makes the tall guy sad.

7.  The last website you visited
 I'm not allowed on the computer,
because the tall guy is always on it.
The last website HE visited was
Benny and Lily's website,
so he could get these questions
for me to answer!
You surely didn't expect him to remember
them did you?

Now, I am supposed to pick 7 people
to answer these questions.
So I pick....

Well, I'm gonna be obstinate and not pick anyone.
Cause that's just the way I roll!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

February 21, 2012


You just need to be left alone
 with your bone and your thoughts!

And right now I'm thinking
that I'll never get to play
any more on Sunday nights
until The Amazing Race is over.

I am a sad puppy. :(

Sunday, February 19, 2012

February 19, 2012

Guess What We Saw Today!!

We were out at the park just minding our own business 
and guess what we saw?

There, did you see it?

Yep, it was a coyote.
Well, maybe not THIS coyote,
but it was a coyote nonetheless!

It just crossed the path about 10 feet in front of us.
At first, the tall guy thought it was
a dog, but then he realized what it was.

I wanted to go talk to it,
but the tall guy wouldn't let me.

We don't know where it was going,
but it just went on about its merry way.
By the time the tall guy could get his
phone out to take a picture, it was already
pretty far away.
(We don't know if the coyote is in the picture
above, but that's how far away it got
before the tall guy could get his camera phone out.)
So, if you look outside and see a coyote tonight,
please tell him that Jack said hello!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

February 16, 2012

You may notice...

there is no show named
"My Dog From Hell".
(This is a real show, btw).

That is because all dogs
are perfectly perfect all the time.

Exhibit A:

So sweet, they should call me Splenda!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

February 15, 2012

My Valentine Card!

Here is the card I got for Valentine's Day yesterday!  You would think that it was from Benny and Lily, but no, it was from the tall guy.  (Actually I think that Benny and Lily are much more handsomer/beautifuler!).  

I won't tell you what was on the inside, because it was all mushy and stuff.

And then I also got this card

from Zack, Sassy and Buddy at Dog Daze.  Isn't that cool?

Oh and here is a note to Zack, Sassy and Buddy.  Next time when you send candy inside the card, please tell the postman to make sure that it is delivered directly to me.  By the time I got to read the card, there was no candy inside of it.  Someone (who shall remain nameless but has a name that sounds like Small Fry) got to it first!  But thank you so very much anyway.  I'm sure it would have been delicious!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

February 14, 2012

A Very Special Day for 
a Very Special Dog!

Today, we want everyone to send their very special-est 
good kharmas to K and her mom, KB.

If you want to read more about K and KB (and don't forget R too), you can read her wonderful blog here:

This would be the bestest Valentine's Day ever if we all could help K win the fight with her osteosarcoma!

So, go visit.
Look at the beautiful pictures
and send her your LOVE!

Monday, February 13, 2012

February 13, 2012

Public Service Announcement!

If you see a green man walking a green dog...

 then pet waste is the least of your worries!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

February 9, 2012

Sharing my bone!

Oh, that bone looks very delicious, may I have some?

Oh look, the tall guy is taking pictures.
Of course you may taste my delicious bone.
I love to share!

(If you touch my bone,
I will rip off your head
and tear out your stuffing!)

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

February 7, 2012

No, the tall guy is not drunk.

It has come to my attention that it might be hard to make a video when you are trying to kick the ball and that if I wanted to keep playing ball I had better not complain when the video is a bit wobbly. 

It came to my attention when I asked the tall guy if he was drunk when he made the video.

It has also come to my attention that if you ask someone if they are drunk when they do not drink, you will not get no cookies before you go to bed that night.

It has also also come to my attention that the video is too big to fit correctly on the screen, but that if I wanted anyone to see what was on the video, well, tough cookies.

It has also also also come to my attention that I should not make fun of people yelling on the video when they sound like they are crazy.

So, unless I want another also, I think I'm just gonna let this one go!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

February 5, 2012

Princess Beatrice has nothing on me!

Here I am modeling the latest in 
Cretaceous Period chapeau-sserie.

Or then again, maybe the tall guy
just put the dinosaur toy on my head
and I can't get it off.

Sometimes I think he's gone off the deep end
in the short end of the pool!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

February 1, 2012

I'm gonna be a book report!!

How should one look for a book report?

This is so cool.  The tall guy got an email from a very nice young lady who said she had read my book and asked if she could do a book report about me!  I have never been a book report before, have you?