March 30, 2011

It's a
QUANDARY
wrapped up in a
PARADOX
surrounded by a
PARADIGM!

In a comment about yesterday's post,
one of my favorite bloggy friends,

Da Puddles
(de be-yoo-tiful picture by Da Puddles mom)

said that I needed to get the tall guy to add some
CHEESEY TOES to his shopping list

Now, I do know that Da Puddles

(just in case you forgot what Da Puddles looks like)

has an affinity for a certain beverage

so maybe I am confused,
but the tall guy says that there is NO WAY IN HECK
that he is going to put any type of milk-based food product
on his podiatric phalanges.

So I am sorry,
Da Puddles

but I guess we will not be getting no Cheesy Toes to eat.
But if you know someone named
Dori,
maybe we can eat some of her toes instead!

March 29, 2011

Things I Do Not Know If I Even Like...

...cause I have never had none:

• Cinnamon Graham Crackers
• Onions
• Chickens Alfredos
• Breyer's Ice Cream
• Tomato Soup
• Caramels
• Grapes
• Progresso Light Zesty Southwestern-Style
Vegetable Soup
• Pepsies
• Horizon Organic Fat Free Milk

It appears that someone makes up his
shopping list by figuring out things
that I'm not allowed to eat
and then that's what he buys.

Because if you will notice,
there are no Frosty Paws
or delicious Pepperoni Pizzas
on that list!

As Sassy would say:
Just sayin'

March 26, 2011

Am I Blue?

Am I blue?
Are these tears
in my eyes
tellin' you?

Actually, I'm kinda golden toasty brown,
BUT
if you only get to see my pictures on the Kindle,
you would never know!

So, the tall guy said if you bought the Kindle version of my book, but you would like to see all the pictures in

COLOR,

please send him an email (jacksdad2011@gmail.com) and he will send you the PDF version of the book so you can see all of my beautiful fuzz the way it really looks.

As a matter of fact, if you like, he will even send you some of my fuzz that he is CONSTANTLY FINDING ON THE FLOOR ALL OVER THE HOUSE (he said to add the emphasis there). Just think, you could make a Jack-et, or a Jack-quard scarf. Actually he says he has enough, you could even make a carpet for your entire 4800 square foot house.

And have a great weekend!

March 23, 2011

I don't care what they say...

... things do not taste better if you roll them in dirt first.

Maybe I was supposed to roll in the dirt
before I tried to eat the rope.

I'll have to look it up on the Googles.

March 18, 2011

It's Official!!

My* book "Jack: A book about a dog where the dog doesn't die at the end" was #1 on the Amazon Hot New Releases in Cat, Dog & Animal Humor for at least 5 minutes last night about 2:43AM.

And it's because of ALL OF YOU!

THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH!

If you were here, I would take you out and buy you some banana pudding or a Blizzard of your choice from the Dairy Queens!

Oh, and you can now get the iPad/iPhone version at the Apple iBookstore.

Free cookies for everyone!**

* With a little help from the tall guy

** Free cookie offer only available if your store is giving away cookies. Don't take them otherwise or that would be stealing!

March 17, 2011

MMMMMMMMM,
I sure taste good!

Note to tall guy:
If you didn't want me to eat it, why did you leave it out where I could get it?

March 14, 2011

You Can Still Win!!
(OOPS, well no you can't,
all 5 copies have been given away.
Thanks to everyone who left comments!)

It's the best contest since the HGTV House Giveaway!
And you actually have a chance to win this one!

Look HERE for how to win,
primarily because the tall guy doesn't
feel like trying to explain THAT again!

But don't forget to come back here
to leave your comments!!

Soon to be a collector's item!!
Only 0 left!!
Hurry!!

March 11, 2011

$5.00 at Costco...

buys about 2 minutes of chewing before this happens.

See that look on my face?
I don't even deny it anymore.

Actually there were 3 of them for $5.00,
but the other two are put away for a rainy day.

What?
You didn't come here today to read about me
destroying my stuffed toys?

Well, why are you here?

OH... the book thing.

Well, since everyone couldn't win the contest and several of you have asked for a copy of my book (Jack: A book about a dog where the dog doesn't die at the end*) AND since the tall guy said there was no way on God's green earth that he was going to try to sell them for what it cost to print them (see: A LOT, from yesterday's post), he said he would send a copy for FREE to the first 10 people who either a) make a donation to their local animal shelter, or b) have done or are doing some type of volunteer work to help an animal or their local animal shelter, c) are doing or have done some type of animal foster/rescue care or d) send me 200 cookies.

Wait. What? I've just been informed that doing D does not count. Please do not send me no cookies.

And since everyone doesn't get a chance to read the blogs every day, the tall guy said he will give 5 copies today and then again 5 copies on Monday so that more people will get a chance to participate. (Note from the tall guy: Today's 5 copies have been spoken for. We'll give away the other 5 on Monday!)

Once again, all you have to do is be one of the FIRST FIVE PEOPLE either today or Monday to leave a comment and let the tall guy know that you would like a copy of the book and which one (a, b, or c) that you do/did.

(This is getting more convoluted than the income tax code!)

And don't forget you can still get a copy by going to the links on your right. Apple finally sent the tall guy an email and he submitted the book, so hopefully it will be on the iBookstore very soon.


* That reminds me. The book is not about me losing weight. It's not Jack: A book about a dog where the dog doesn't DIET. That would just be silly!

March 10, 2011

I'm Sorry,
We Don't Have A Winner...

We have TWO winners!!

The tall guy said that everyone was so nice
with all their comments, that I could give away
TWO paw-tographed copies of my book.

Now I am not cool enough to do a contest drawing
like Augie and Ti,
so I just had the Tall Guy to go to random.org
and let the computer pick two numbers for our winners.

And the winners are:

Erika and Blair
of A Journey of Footprints

and

Jazzi
of Jazzi's World

Congratulations!!

Now the tall guy feels bad because everyone didn't win.
(I don't think he understands how contests work!)
I told him that he could just give everyone a book.
He said that he only has 12 copies
because it cost A LOT to get them printed.
(He said to make sure I put A LOT in capital letters!)

He said he has an idea,
BUT you will have to come back on Friday
to find out what it is!

I think he's got the
'come back-itis'!!

March 9, 2011

Can't you feel the excitement building?

I'm all a-flutter for the drawing which the tall guy assures me will happen Wednesday night at midnight. (Which I guess is really Thursday morning, but then again, time means nothing to me since I'm a dog!)

I'll be in bed, so I guess I'll be sleep-fluttering, which is kinda like sleep walking, except you're excited.

You still have time to enter. Just go HERE and leave a comment.

What will you do if YOU win?

March 8, 2011

YAY!! You WON!!!

Yes, those will be the exciting words you may see IF you're the winner of the 'Nothing Like American Idol' contest. It's not too late to enter. Just go HERE and leave a comment.

The contest ends Wednesday at midnight and sometime Thursday when Mr. Lazy Pants gets out of bed, I'll have him randomly select a winner and put their information up online.

BUT WAIT, there's more. You'll just have to come back to see what the more is! (Isn't that a sneaky way to get people to come visit?)

March 7, 2011

How To Become a
World Famous Authorist
by Jack

1) Write a book. Or have someone write it for you. You can just make up stuff. It's ok. Unless you're writing about someone who lives with you. Because then if you just make up stuff about them, they will erase your computer and you will lose ALL your stuff, even the stuff that is not made up.

2) Decide if you are going to do a book that peoples can hold in their hands or a book that peoples can hold in their ebook reader in their hands. If you want to write a book that is just going to be read by people when they are taking their baths, you probably want to write a paper book, because if they drop the paper book in the bathtub, it won't cost them $500.00.

The good thing is that you don't have to decide. You can do BOTH kinds of books. You can even do a coloring book, but people might get a little tired filling in all the letters in the words in the book just so they can read it.

3) Last but not least (for today), decide if you want to have pictures in your book. If you are very handsome, it is a little easier to decide. You may have noticed that my book has like 18 million pictures in it. But, having pictures in the book makes it harder when you go to actually write the book, especially when you want to get it printed. So, you may decide that you are only a little bit handsome, and that will let you use fewer pictures. Some books don't have ANY pictures in them. I will just let that speak for itself!

So to conclude today's lesson:
• Decide if you want to write a book or not.
• Decide if you want to write a paper book or an ebook or both.
• Decide if you are good looking.

We'll have more about the actual writing next time.

And don't forget about the contest!

VERY MOST IMPORTANT:
The tall guy says a sincere 'Thank You'
for all the nice comments about the book.
He says that everyone has been exceedingly kind.
And I, Jack, say 'Thank You' too.
It puts him in a good mood and I get more cookies!

=====

Jack: A book about a dog
where the dog doesn't die at the end

Click HERE for the Amazon Kindle version.

Click HERE for the PDF version.

Click HERE for the ePub iPad version.

March 5, 2011

You Can
WIN!!!
WIN!!!
WIN!!!

The "Nothing Like American Idol" Contest

Yes, you can win this lovely towel!!
What? You don't want a towel?
OK. You can win an autographed copy*
of my book
"Jack: A book about a dog
where the dog doesn't die at the end"**

Just send 4 boxtops to...
No wait.
Just complete this sentence in 25 words or less:
"I like delicious nutritious Cream of Wheat because..."
No wait.
Send a postcard with your name and...
No wait.
Just post the most embarrassing video of...
Uh, I've just been told the video idea
has been nixed.

How about if you just leave a comment below
by midnight on March 9th
and we will randomly select a winner?***
Sounds good to me!

And if you want to read a really good book
about a lady who helped raise her family
by entering contests in the 1950s and 60s,
I highly recommend
"The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio"
by Terry Ryan.

*Yes, the real books finally got here.
And they look GREAT!

** #14 on the Amazon Top Selling Books
about Cats, Dogs & Animals for about 3 seconds yesterday!

*** But Jack, what if we already bought a copy?
Well, the tall guy said he will mail your prize
to anyone you want.
=====

Jack: A book about a dog
where the dog doesn't die at the end

Click HERE for the Amazon Kindle version.

Click HERE for the PDF version.

Click HERE for the ePub iPad version.

March 4, 2011

I Feel Like An Infomercial

Maybe I should start selling Oxy-Jack,
for getting rid of those tough pet stains!

Anyway, the tall guy told me that he was tired of waiting.
I told him now he knew how I felt when it was time for a walk
and he was on the computing machine.
He failed to see the irony!

So, he wanted me to tell you that he went ahead and
put the iPad version of 'Jack'* online
(but not in the Apple store YET).
So now there are 3 versions available
and you can choose which one you want.

Click HERE for the Amazon Kindle version.

Click HERE for the PDF version.

Click HERE for the ePub iPad version.

He also said that if you had ANY problems with the downloads to let him know and that he would come to your house and fix it for you.

What?

Oh, he said just to let him know and he would fix it.

I just thought it would be nice to come to your house and visit for a while. I was even going to bring some tea and some chocolate Bath Olivers!

Oh and don't forget to come back tomorrow for the contest!

* 'Jack' the book, not Jack the me.

March 3, 2011

Catching Up On My Rays!

Jack: Well thanks to all you nice people, we've sold 4,000 Kindle copies of my book in one day!

TG: Uh, no. More like 15.

Jack: WOW. Thanks to everyone, we've sold 15,000 Kindle copies of my new book!

TG: Uh... ok.

Jack: Is that good?

TG: That's fantastic!

Jack: Now what about those people who don't have a Kindle or even an e-reader at all?

TG: Well, I'm still waiting to hear from Apple about the iBook version (which is all ready to go). So in the meantime, if you like, you can get a PDF version of the book by clicking HERE.

You can read the PDF version on your iPad or on your computer.

Jack: Oh and come back on Saturday for news about a CONTEST!! Kinda like American Idol, but you don't have to have any talent! What? Ok, nothing like American Idol. Do they have to have talent?

TG: No.

Jack: Ok, come back on Saturday for news about our "Nothing like American Idol" contest!

March 1, 2011

Hurry!!

My book is on the Amazons!!

If you have a Kindle or the Kindle app
on your iPad or iPhone or PC,
you can get a copy of my book by clicking
HERE.

Even if you don't have a Kindle,
you can get it by clicking there too,
but you won't be able to read it!

But wait, what about all the peoples that
use something else?

Well the tall guy can explain that.
I let him do all the hard computer stuff.

TG: It's a lot easier to get a book on Amazon than it is to get into Apple iBooks, so that's why the Amazon version is already available. I'll have the iBooks version online just as soon as Apple gives me the go-ahead. The hardback versions should be here some time next week!

In the meantime, if you want to see the first 10 pages of Jack's book (in PDF format) you can click HERE.

On another note, several of you have mentioned that you were thinking about (or have already written) your own books. If you would like to know what I (oops, WE) did to get Jack's book online, I'll be more than glad to help you any way that I can. Just drop me a line in the comments.