November 30, 2010

The Story of
Peter the Rabbit

There once was a rabbit who came to visit me.
His name was Peter the Rabbit.
We played and frolicked all day long.

But then he got an attitude.

So I had to de-attitude him.

The End

November 29, 2010

Where's My Napkin?

What?
Oh, I have a little something on my lip?

There.

Did I get it?

No, not quite?

Well, maybe no one will notice!

November 28, 2010

Well if they didn't want me to chew

Why did they give me teeths?

Someone the other day noticed the quilt on the tall guy's bed. They said they had one just like it but it might have a few holes in it from where someone had eated it.

Here are some things from our house.

Exhibit A (quilt):

Exhibit B (blanket):

Exhibit C (towel):

Evidently, someone is sneaking into my house and chewing off all the corners on anything they can find. Oddly, ever since the tall guy found these, most of the chewing has stopped. All of these things shown above have been chewed for quite some time. Come to think of it, maybe they were that way when the tall guy bought them. Does Martha Stewart have a new line of pre-chewed housewares?

November 27, 2010

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I tried to warn you about eating turkey on Thanksgiving. Now look at what has happened. They have mutated into GIANT HAT WEARING TURKEYS that will eat your children and your husband and have their own teevee show!!!

They will seek revenge. And pie. Probably pumpkin with a little dollop of whipped cream on top.

The only way to stop them is to give all your leftover turkey that is hiding in your fridge to your puppies. Don't even keep any for sandwiches which you were planning on eating during the football game. All of it. MUST BE EATEN!!! Only puppies have the super-strength stomach needed to foil their evil plans.

And a little pie wouldn't hurt either.

November 26, 2010

After all that relaxing yesterday,
now it's time for
BED FOOTBALL!!!

Even when it's too cold to play outside, or if you just like driving the tall guy insane, remember, it's always a good time for Bed Football.

Bed Football is just like regular football, except you play ON THE BED. And no one keeps score. And there's not a marching band. And no beers in the stadium. Other than that, it's just like regular football.
The object is to keep the football away from the tall guy. The longer you can keep it away from him, the later you get to stay up!
With extra added benefit of messing up the bed that the tall guy just made!!

So if you would like to join the BFL (Bed Football League), just let me know. Who knows? You might get to play in the Super Bed Bowl!

November 25, 2010

I am thankful that I can
still sleep on the tall guy's head!

What? You're still here???
Get off the computer.
Go eat.
You're skinny as a rail.
Happy Thanksgiving!

November 24, 2010

And I Helped!!

The tall guy has been working outside because he let the grass grow up between the flagstones on the patio. He has been pulling up the grass and he says it takes him like 18 hours just to get up the grass around one big flagstone because I've been helping. He says I am very helpful because once he gets the grass pulled up and put in a pile, I pick it up and make sure that it is strewn all around so the pile won't get too big. I do this over and over again until he tells me to stop and go do something else. That way he can get a lot of rest. It's kinda like a game. He calls it the 'Oh dear God, Jack, if you don't go over there and lay down, I am going to have a complete and total breakdown' game. He said when he gets done this time he's going to put 'mint' in between the stones so there won't be any more grass growing. I've never heard of cee-mint but whatever it is, I'll help him with that too!

November 23, 2010

Look What I Found
or
Do You See What I See?

Can you see it?

Look close.

Yep, there it is!

Yet another baseball rescued from an untimely end by me.

They should make a movie about me!
Arizona Jack and the Baseballs of .....
uh......
Indiana Jack and the Temple of Baseballs.... uh...

Heck, I gotta come up with a good name for the movie!

Note from the tall guy:

It's a bit hard to tell from the pictures, but this baseball was down in a hole covered up with trash. Jack, who was off his leash chasing another baseball (in the baseball field where we aren't supposed to be), went out the gate and was trying to get something. I thought he had found a ground squirrel, but when I went over, I could just barely see the baseball down in the hole. I don't know how he does it - as I don't imagine the baseballs have any special smell, but he sure seems to have a nose for it, as you could probably tell if you see the 10 baseballs rolling around the floor of my car at any given time!

November 22, 2010

Here's a
NEW TRICK FOR YOU TO LEARN!!

Any dog can roll over.
Heck even most CATS can do that.

Here's a new trick for you:
ROLL OVER
(but only half way)

Here's how you do it:
It's just a jump to the left.
And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hip.

Wait, what?
Oh, sorry
That was how to do The Time Warp.

Ok, here's how you do
The Half-Way Roll Over

First, you lean way over to your left
(or your right if you're right-pawed):

Then you just sorta flop on over:

And now here's the fun part.
Your people will be expecting you to roll
all the way over,
but you just stop
and lay on your back
while they look at you
in wonderment and amazement!

And there you have it.
A brand new trick that you can try at home.

Remember to practice a lot
so you can impress all your friends.

And as an extra bonus added attraction,
look at what happens:

This is really helpful in case you got some bald spots.
All the dead grass will make you look luxurious!!

Have fun!!

November 21, 2010

More Places
I Am Not Allowed To Go

Do you see this?

That's right.

A FENCE

Can you believe that we have FENCES
in the house that keep me from going into certain rooms?

There's one going into the room with all the books.
There's one going into the room with all the piano.
There's even one going out into the yard,
but I figured out quickly how to get to keep that one open.
(Some people don't like getting up at 3AM
just to let me out to go to the bathroom.)

So with this in mind,
I have written either a poem
or a country song.
And it goes something like this...


FENCES
by Jack

Fences blocking all the rooms,
Fences I do hate.
They stop me from going in,
Don't even have a gate.

I wish there was a doorknob
on every fence I see.
Cause sometimes I need to go out quick,
Especially when I have to
fix some tea.

(See you thought I was going to say PEE, didn't you? BOL!!!)

So darn those fences,
What a pain.
I should be free to roam.
Here's hoping you don't have fences
Anywhere in your home!

OH FENCES FENCES,
FENCES FENCE,
FENCES FENCES
FENCE..

(Did you ever notice if you say a word a lot of times,
it starts sounding really strange?)

I don't know why they bother me.
It doesn't make no sense.

So throw away your fences dear.
Put them in a pile.
When there's no fence to block my way,
That really makes me smile.

November 20, 2010

Places I am EVIDENTLY
No Longer Allowed To Go

It seems that the tall guy went to the dog show/obedience trials today and did he take me?

NO!

It seems that I tend to think of any large gathering of dogs as play time and since we got yelled at last year, he decided it would be better if he went BY HIMSELF this year. Harrumph!!

He said that he didn't take me because I was so handsome that I would have won all the awards and none of the other dogs would get any ribbons to take home, but that's also the same reason he gives me for not taking me when he goes to get bar-b-que ribs, so I am, obviously, a bit suspect of his reasoning!

He said he saw about 40 Puddles-dogs and some Wilf-dogs and a bunch of dogs he didn't know, but he did not see any Remington dogs this year. I asked him if he saw any Jack dogs and he said there was only one Jack dog that he wanted to see, so he had to rush back home just for me.

If you see my eyes rolling down your street, would you send them back to me please?
Thank you.

November 19, 2010

And now,
one final episode of
Cooking With Jack!

You can find all kinds of good stuff to eat on a stick.

We got pancakes on a stick.

Pizza on a stick.

We've even got popcorn on a stick.

Well, today's recipe is the best of the best.

Are you ready?

Today's recipe is
STICK ON A STICK!!
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I can hear your mouth drooling all the way over here!

So simple, so easy to fix and yet OH SO TASTY!!

Step 1: Find a stick.

And there you have it.
I told you it was easy.

Just make sure that the tall guy
doesn't see you chewing on it,
or else he will take it away
and throw it into the cactuses where you can't get it.
Oh, it's ok if you just CARRY it,
but, heaven forbid,
you might accidentally chew on it a little bit
and start hacking when you swallow some of the wood.

And now, a short play about sticks.
All dialogue guaranteed verbatim.

Me: Cool, a stick. I shall bite it.
TG: Drop it.
Me: Oh, it's ok. I won't eat it.
TG: Drop it.
(I chew just a little off the stick
before I drop it.)
Me: HACK-COUGH-HACK-HACK
TG: You'll get no sympathy from me.
I told you not to eat the stick.

(Curtain)

So, I hope you've enjoyed this week's recipes.
Tune in next time when we discuss
PLACES YOU ARE
NOT ALLOWED TO GO.

Until then...

November 18, 2010

I'm a retreiver.
It's what I do!!

Someone asked me yesterday how do I find baseballs when I am out on a walk. I think I have found like 200 baseballs (well maybe 10) so I guess I'm pretty good at it.

The main thing in finding baseballs is that you have to go where they live. You probably won't find a lot of baseballs out in the woods or in the water. You have to go to something called a baseball FIELD (not to be confused with Mrs. Fields.... MMMMMMMMMMM, cookies!!).

Then you have to keep your nose close to the ground and your eyes peeled. But not like a banana, because that would hurt.

But you have to remember when you find one, do not scream, because you might scare it away!

Wait. What?

I was just informed that baseballs don't have any ears? So it doesn't matter if you scream when you find it.

Oh, that's just for rabbits. Don't scream when you see a rabbit.

Got it.

So next time you're out on a walk, look hard for baseballs. But don't scream when you find one. Your peoples may think you have gone crazy! :)

November 17, 2010

Today on
Cooking With Jack!

Il Baseball al Fresco

Today's recipe is great for those times when
you just feel like eating a little something outside.
AND, as always, it's very easy.
Even a cat could do it! (But they won't!)

Ingredients:
(1) baseball - preferably one that you found at the baseball field

Step 1:
Have the tall guy take you on a walk around the baseball field - yes, the same baseball field that you are NOT supposed to be on. But it's ok, since we're walking on the path outside the fence where you are allowed to be.

Step 2:
Pull the tall guy toward the fence. Why? Because you see a baseball that someone has left and he (the tall guy) did not see it!

Step 3: Pick up the baseball and bring it to the tall guy.

Step 4: Have him throw it so you can run after it and pretend to bring it back.

I find that food tastes better if you catch it yourself (The tall guy apologizes for the earthquake at the beginning of the video. He also apologizes for pretending to throw the ball several times and making me look like a stomp-born fool!):

Finally, after you have brought it back a few times (time may vary as each oven bakes differently), go find a nice place in the shade to enjoy your Baseball al Fresco.

We hope you enjoy this delicious treat as much as we had making it for you!

Until next time...

November 16, 2010

I have been robbed!!

Just look at this picture on this box:

See!!! I could totally do that.
Just look:

I bet that puppy on the box isn't even asleep.
He's probably just acting asleep!

Where's my agent when you need him?

November 15, 2010

Today on
Cooking With Jack

MMMMMM...Rope

Here's a really easy recipe that even the tall guy can make!

Ingredients:
• (1) Rope, preferably with big knots

Set your oven to 400000 degrees. Call your insurance company because you probably just burned down your house.

Send the tall guy to the grocery store. If he goes to the one close to your house, remind him to get some of that turkey that you like to eat.

Have him buy a rope. They are in the aisle with all the other puppy stuff. If they are on sale, have him get a couple of them in case you have friends come by.

When he comes back home, look at him until he takes the rope out of the bag. Make him give you the rope.

And there you have it. A delicious recipe for rope.

Serves 1.

Until you chew it apart. Then it will serve 2.

Until the tall guy says you've chewed it to pieces and then throws it in the trash can.

Then it will serve none.

(And just in case you're wondering, the hat I'm wearing in the first picture is called a TOQUE. I've been watching too much Food Network!)

November 14, 2010

Today on Sesame Street...

Open

Closed

Can you say 'Opposites'? I know you can!

(I know. That's Mr. Rogers and not Sesame Street.)

We finally got to go back to our local park to play.
Don't tell anyone but we went into the place where
the sign says 'No Dogs Allowed'.
Who ever heard of such a thing?
I never saw no signs that said
'No Mean People Allowed'
or
'No People Who Throw Trash On The Ground Allowed'.

I told the tall guy that I would be very quiet,
so there wouldn't be 'No Loud Dogs'.
He said it wasn't quite the same thing,
but we went anyway!

November 13, 2010

WHAAA?!?!???!?

Evidently this entire past week, all the Hello Kitty prison and digging in the dirt and me trying to swim back from Australia has been a dream!! I feel like Jack-y Ewing!

It seems that I was just mad that the tall guy went on a trip without me (or maybe I have been eating too many mosquito beans!)

And to top it all, he DID bring me back this big, huge honking bone that looks like a cow leg. All the way in his suitcase, just for little old pea-picking me!

So, just go back and erase all the stuff from last week from your head.

Thank you.

November 12, 2010

Well this explains a lot!

It appears that SOMEONE has been gone for the past week to a meating and that is why he didn't come looking for me. And he didn't even bring me back no hamburger!!

November 11, 2010

Good Thing I Like to Swim!!

Well, it turns out that I was in Alice Springs, Australia.
So now I'm going to have to swim for a long long way to get back home.

http://www.papahanaumokuakea.gov/welcome.html

November 10, 2010

My Plan Worked!!

Well, you know how much I like to dig.
I just decided I would dig my way out of
the luxurious headquarters, er... jail and so I did.

It took me quite a while but I finally ended up here.

Unfortunately, I have no idea where HERE is!
Can you help me figure out where I am?

CLUES CLUES CLUES
One of the peoples told me that I had
'maid' a 'Bunch' of wrong turns while I was digging.
I told him I got confused because it was still Fall
back where I was headed!

Do YOU know where I am?

Oh, and the bra???

November 9, 2010

First I need a
butternut squash...

One of the Hello Kitty Armed Guards
(Well, she's got arms.
And those eyes that would strike fear
in even the strongest of men!)

My plan is slowly coming into focus.
I only need to find a few more things:
• A 6 inch butternut squash
• 2 dollars in Canadian coins
• A ladies' brassiere size 42 D
and
• An Icelandic passport under the name of
AMLÓÐI HÁVARÐUR

I'm off to put my plan into action.
See you tomorrow,
I HOPE!!

November 8, 2010

HELP!!!!

It appears that the Sanrio company has arrested me and put me in 'Hello Kitty' prison. Something about appropriating trademarks or copyrights or some such. It's so scary! Everyone here is so happy and efficient! Even the guards are polite! And the food... they only feed us like 6 times a day, and it's stuff like fresh fish and Kobe steak. How am I supposed to eat when I only have 4 different types of cheese to choose from at each meal? I've only gained like 5 pounds since I've been here! That's like practically starving!

And the beatings. Sure, they call it a massage, but then they put these hot stones on you and you go to sleep and you don't know how long you've been asleep and it's very disorienting.

I think I have an escape plan, but I need your help.

Oh and all that stuff yesterday about everyone owing me $18 bajillion dollars, you know I was kidding. Right? I mean, us being good friends and all.

I have to go now. The pool is about to open... I mean, they are taking me to the water chamber of death!!

November 7, 2010

Hello friends.
This is your lucky lucky day.
It seems that SO many of you wanted the
deluxe edition Goodbye Jack Mercedes:

that the factory decided they would,
just for one time only,
make a bunch of them.

So, now all of you who left
a comment yesterday
saying how much they would like one,
can now get one.

For only $18 bajillion dollars.
(Plus shipping and handling)

So, send all your monies to me.

If you have changed your mind,
you have to send me money anyway.