Sunday, November 29, 2009

November 29, 2009

How to Track and Capture
(A LabraJack Field Guide)

It is never easy to find and capture the elusive yellow plastic ball. We must use a great deal of our heightened 'puppy senses' to locate and then capture these glowing orbs of evil!

Step 1: Location, location, location.
The yellow plastic balls are not found everywhere. You may hear your peoples talk about such exotic locations as 'WAL-MART' (sometimes referred to as 'WALLY WORLD') or 'K-MART' or even the very frightening sounding 'TARGET'. These places are obviously in very far and distant lands, as puppies are not allowed to go to them. No, you are better off looking around your neighborhood, especially where the small peoples who seem to be always running and yelling live. I think these noisy small peoples are called 'HEATHENS' (at least according to the tall guy!). So, look and see if you can find 4 or 5 of these heathens running around because chances are that's where you will often find the elusive yellow plastic ball of death (once the heathens have gone into their houses). Once you have found the EYPBOD ('evil yellow plastic ball of death' - pronounced 'i-Pod'), slowly sneak up behind it. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE EYPBOD! Act as if you don't even care that there is an EYPBOD anywhere near you. Treat it just like you treat the uncle at your Thanksgiving dinner who wouldn't give you any turkey and tried to get you to eat his lima bean cassarole!

Step 2: POUNCE!
Do not hesitate. Once you are beside the EYPBOD, grab it. Grab it as if the entire future of all mankind on Earth and any undiscovered habitable planets depended on it! Grab it as if it was the Kobe steak that was on the grill last weekend that somehow disappeared while the tall guy was inside getting a plate and then turned up missing before he could get back outside and you had to tell him that another dog jumped over the fence and you tried to stop him but he ran away too fast. Remember, the EYPBOD will resist. It will threaten you. It will bribe you. It will tell you that there is a puppy coming up the road that is looking for someone to play with. BUT there are no puppies coming up the road. Just grab hold and never let go!

Step 3: Shake, shake, shake... shake your booty!
And I'm not talking about KC and the Sunshine Band! I'm talking about making sure the EYPBOD is not mearly dead, but it's really, most sincerely dead!

Step 4: Now you've done it!
You've made sure the EYPBOD is no longer a threat to anyone. Be proud. Look around! Show everyone the spoils of your victory!

Step 5: Be humble.
Yes, you must remember to be humble. You should be so humble that when they look in the dictionary for the definition of the word humble, it would show your picture, but you're too humble for even that. Be so humble that the word 'humble' can no longer be spoken, because you've used up all the humble left in the world, so now, people will have to say 'banana pudding' when they want to say someone is humble (which is not to be confused with humble pie (which was named after a pie filled with liver, heart and other offal, especially of cow but often deer or boar.)!

Step 6: Run away!!
I forgot to tell you that sometime the heathens (see Step 1) are not very happy that you have destroyed their EYPBOD! They are under the spell of the EYPBOD! The EYPBOD controls their every thought and action.
So make sure that you can run fast back to your house while you're carrying the EYPBOD! Then when you get home, make sure you hide the EYPBOD from the tall guy, because if you don't, he will take it away from you when you start chewing on it and it just happens to start coming apart and leaving little EYPBOD pieces all over the place!


  1. Jack
    Looks like you have this system down pat. I have taken out one of those before but I didnt sneak, I just grabbed and got caught by the little people who snitched on me!! Thanks for the tips, I will sneak and follow instructions next time~~Yo Da Man!!!


  2. Jack,

    Great advice! The next time I see one of those glowing orbs of evil I will know what to do!

    Maggie Mae

  3. Excellent, excellent work. Our dad says he likes living where we do because we have no heathens, but that means we dont have any EYPBODs either.

  4. I have 4 of those heathens living next door. Thanks for the good advice.

  5. Hi Jack....what a great story and such good advice if I ever decided to go out to roll in the dirt I'll keep an eye out for the EYPBOD.
    We have 3 teenage heathens living next door to us. The are always bouncing and evil ball all hours of the day and night then throwing it into up in the air into a ring of string. Mom says that bounce bounce bounce could be used as a means of toture.
    Madi and Mom

  6. PS 'torture' not 'toture'. Sorry when she went to sleep last night at 10:30 she heard the bounce bounce bounce and was really thinking she was going to have to raise the window and shout at them.
    Madi and Mom

  7. I'll sleep better tonight knowing there is one less EYPBOD to worry about.

  8. Great advice. The heathens have their own play area....under my window. They heave their eypbods out there all the time. Might have to do a little recon later. I will follow your advice step by step

  9. Wow, you know how to do should write a guidebook for all dogs :)

    Does TG let you watch Monty Python?? BOL

    Licks from me!!


  10. Fank you's so mucho, Jack, for showin' and tellin' us the finer points of EYPBOD detection, capture and control. We have PURRinted our you's instructions an' will place dem in our collars next time we go fur a walkies.

  11. Thank you for protecting all of the heathens from EYPBOD's - yet another of the great public services that goes unnoticed by most uprights. Good job Jack!

  12. Thank you so much for the Field Guide. A guy can never have too many of them. This is a confusing world and we need all the guidance we can get! Good job, Jack! This will come in handy!

  13. Nice! Thanks for the yellow ball catching lesson....must go find me one of those...we have a giant blue one there...something called a Swiss ball? How would you recommend handling this?

    Hugs and snaggle-tooth kisses,
    Sierra Rose

  14. Thanks for the tips, Jack! I'll know what to do when I find one of those yellow balls.

  15. Awesome instructions Jack! Hope you had a GReat Thanksgiving!

  16. TG....I have never applied for TAR....if I were younger maybe although there have been others on there older. I think that is WONDERFUL that you applied to be a contestant. How long is the application? what type of questions. Very interesting. I always go into withdrawls when TAR ends. I'd say do it again but I'm afraid Jack would come over to NC and bite my head off if you left him for 2+ months. HA
    I was telly Madi's dad about 'Jack's' supper of Kobe steak last night....he and I want to know when your ceremony for Sainthood will be held? HA!! Off to get ready for the best show on TV.

  17. Mom is gigglin' and makin' the laptop jiggle as I try to type. SETTLE DOWN FPU (Female Parental Unit)
    Okay now,
    All good advice and I now have these detailed instructions printin' out. All's I need is to find me some of those heathens. Do they sell them at that Wally World you mentioned. I don't know if Mom will get me one but I'll still add it to her list. Must come with EYPBOD.

    I'm sure I will have no problem whatsoever killin' it oncet it gets here.
    Thanks for the advice Jack!
    Chester ;0=)

  18. Thanks Jack! I thin I would be ascared of the EYPBOD but I tolf all my cousins to be on the look out!!


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    thanks friend...

  20. Very, very good work. Brats need to learn not to leave their stuff around, because bad things could happen to it. You da man!